by Jessica on October 19, 2011
Last night, I had my third meeting with my women’s group. I absolutely love it! Our church just started up a women’s ministry and had a huge response by women interested in joining a small group. We were divided up into groups of 6-8 women, and my group meets every two weeks at our leader’s gorgeous home. It’s such a fun time of fellowship and closeness- even though we just met, it feels like such a safe place to really reveal your heart and open up. I’d highly recommend joining a women’s group through your church if you’re looking to make new friends! Last night, we talked about husbands. Everyone in the group is happily (most of the time!) married, so it’s something we have in common. Our main topic of discussion was respecting our husbands.
I don’t know about you, but showing respect and “submission” is not something I just know how to do. I was raised by a single mom who had the attitude of “if you want something done right, do it yourself” and really raised me to be independent and self-sufficient apart from a man. Those are all great things, but when you find yourself in a good relationship, those are things that can hinder the growth of that relationship. So, here I am, trying to learn how to be a Biblically “good” wife. Now, showing respect to our spouses is something we should all do- men and women alike. We were discussing ways in which to do that. Things like asking (and actually taking) your husbands opinion, letting him have the last word, always praying for him, letting him feel like (and be) the spiritual leader in your home, etc.
I know some of you are seriously shaking your heads right now, thinking “my husband is NOT the boss of me, and he’s certainly not my leader!” Well, you’re not alone. This is something completely out of my realm of understand, but I think it is important to learn how to be the kind of wife God wants me to be, so I am trying to learn more. I am someone that takes charge of every situation, hates to ask for help and is generally quite a control freak. Dare I say, I may be overly honest with you guys! Anyway, it’s really hard for me to let Trevor be the head of the household. I guess I feel a sense of competition, needing to be in charge and in control. I blame that on my brother who is the most competitive person alive and brought me down with him in our childhood death matches board game playing (thanks, Austin). It’s such a foreign concept to me that I am having to take baby steps in this process. Being a strong woman sometimes makes it hard for me to be a strong wife.
I have finally learned to ask for, and accept, help from Trevor. He may not fold the towels exactly like I do (the way Martha Stewart says you should… I know, I have problems) or put the dishes away in the exact right spot, but you know what? Who cares?! That towel is just going to get unfolded and that dish is just going to get dirtied up again. It does not matter. So, with that change underway, I think the next thing I need to learn to do is hold my tongue. I’m getting better, but I still have a ways to go. I don’t always have to have the last word. I don’t always have to “win” an argument. I can let him be right sometimes- compromise is a GOOD thing!! He’s a man, and I should let him be that. Most men have a natural desire to lead and be in control- I really need to learn to relinquish some of my desire to lead to him as a way of showing love and respect for him. I have to realize that
being respectful of someone isn’t losing- it’s just a new way of winning, and our relationship is the winner.
Next step? Learning how to be a Biblically “submissive” wife (not a doormat, mind you, God’s got rules for the men, too!). Yeah, that’s a topic for another day because I’m pretty sure I may need intensive therapy to learn that one.
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5: 21-33)
by Jessica on October 17, 2011
In church on Sunday, our pastor gave us a message that really made me think. He was teaching about the story of Abraham and Sarah. If you’re not familiar with the story, God promised Abraham that he would grow through him a great nation- a nation that would begin with a son. He was 86 at the time of God’s initial promise to him, but he believed that God would grant him a child. However, after 11 years passed, he and his wife, Sarah, grew wary of the wait. Instead of keeping their faith, Sarah suggested that Abraham impregnate her servant, Hagar, and carry on his line through her. So he did, and she bore him a son named Ishmael. However, when Abraham turned 100, God granted him the son he had promised him- in His perfect timing, Isaac (which means laughter… because wouldn’t you laugh if you had a baby at 100?) was born.
The message our pastor gave was urging us to wait for our Isaac and not to try replacing him with an Ishmael. God’s timing is perfect, even if it is not our own. “Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him” (Genesis 21:2). Have you ever wondered what was taking God so long? Whether in your love life, your desire to have a child, your career, your social life, whatever. Have you ever prayed for something so hard and just couldn’t wrap your mind around God’s timing? Why wasn’t he listening? Why weren’t you important enough to answer? Well guess what? He doesn’t always answer us in the way (or the time) we would choose, but he ALWAYS answers us. Trying to replace our true purpose with a stand-in will not fulfill us. We have to have faith that God will be there for us and will work to make His will known in our lives.
Personally, I’ve been struggling with my purpose. I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to “do,” but I know that I want to do something from a ministry standpoint. I’ve prayed and prayed about it, but I feel like I keep circling around to no avail. I have no clue. Trying to force myself into different roles won’t (and is not going to) work- I’m just going to have to wait for Him to reveal His plan to me in His time. Because for whatever reason, God wants me to wait right now. Waiting is hard. I’m not good at waiting. I think he knows that and makes me wait for longer just because He knows I hate it. I don’t think He does that to be mean- I think He does it to help me grow as a person. Sometimes the best part of the lesson is in the wait.
Some of my biggest mistakes have been made by trying to force the timing of something. If I can’t figure out what I’m “meant” to do, I will try my darnedest to replace my purpose with a “just for now” or similar substitution. I’ve learned, however, over the past 26 years or so of doing this, that rushing things won’t work. The good things in life are worth waiting for, even if waiting makes you want to pull your hair out sometimes. So, here I sit, waiting, but I am striving to serve Him in the meantime and make this wait purposeful. So… what are you waiting for?
by Jessica on August 25, 2011
After the great breakdown that was known as “yesterday,” I was kind of a mess. I had half-way convinced myself just to drop everything this semester. What was I thinking, taking on such a tough thing amidst pregnancy, raising a one year-old and working? I mean, had I lost my mind completely? I was starting to doubt every single thing I had convinced myself of thus far. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be doing seminary. Maybe I was forcing the issue. Maybe this was a huge mistake. I sat there, stewing in my self-doubt, worried that God would be disappointed in me, worried that everyone I knew would look at me as a big quitter and worried that I would regret this decision later.
Then I got home. I opened the mailbox, and what do you know, there sat a letter. I don’t think I mentioned here before, but I ended up getting a $400 scholarship from my church, even though I never heard anything back from them on that particular scholarship application. They randomly just sent me a check a few weeks ago. However, I had never heard anything else from the other scholarship that had seemed so promising. Well, I opened that letter which read something like this:
Dear Jessica,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been awarded a $1,000.00 scholarship by our selection team. You are super awesome and should really stop freaking out so much ALL THE TIME. Thanks!
- Scholarship People
Okay, so maybe I made up the latter half of that letter, but the first part is accurate. I don’t know about you guys, but I am starting to think that God speaks to me via the US Postal Service.
Basically, I took this as a sign that I should chill out and try things out. I figure that I can at least attempt this first week’s work and see if I can get it done. The final drop day is August 30, so I have until then to fully make up my mind before I forfeit all of my money. The good news is, I now have a full scholarship for this semester, so we have zero financial obligation for this course. That, my friends, is very nice. I do feel much better today, although I still have a TON of work to finish in the coming days.
If, by chance, I can’t make it work, that’s okay. I will revisit seminary at another time when I am not full of pregnancy hormones that make me a psychopathic ball ‘o stress. Hopefully, though, I can get it together and make it work. It’s like Trevor told me last night, it doesn’t matter that I don’t know my end result, yet- regardless of whether I end up finishing seminary or becoming a pastor or whatever, I will never regret knowing more about the Bible and about God. This class will deepen my relationship with Him, and that is never a bad thing. He’s a smart one, that Trevor. Sometimes, husbands are good for advice. Other times, they’re good for making a mess. Always, they’re good for crying to and wiping your snotty face on their shoulder. So there you have it: I’m going to try not to destroy my previous academic record by failing this class, but I’m going to take it day by day and not freak out. Much.
by Jessica on August 15, 2011
In one week, my life is going to get chaotic. School is starting on the 23rd, and I have to say, I’m starting to doubt my sanity. Now that I have the syllabi for both of my classes, I have this to say: AHHHHHHH! This is going to be so much work. I cannot even express how much I wish I could take these classes on-campus. I have a nagging feeling that these online courses are going to kick my butt pretty hard. I am a visual learner. I like to see my professors, take notes, have things tangibly in-hand. I think it’s going to be a real struggle for me to do this online-only learning thing. Let’s hope I don’t fail miserably!!
In addition to me taking on school, Trevor only has THREE weeks left of fire training!! WOO HOO! To say that fire training has been stressful would be the understatement of, oh, the century. I miss my nice husband!! Poor guy has been so stressed out, but at least now, the end is in sight and he’s feeling a lot of excitement. Their humongous cumulative “Firefighter II” test was last week, and he passed, so that was a big relief for both of us. They save the math-intensive pump operation information for the last week, of course, so hopefully Trevor will prove to be much better at math than his wife! He did get his permit for driving the fire truck last week, which is exciting, because men love to drive big vehicles, in case you didn’t know. His graduation is set for September 2, and I am very excited that 1) that means fire school is over and 2) Knox and I get to “pin” Trevor. They allow the firefighters to pick who pins their fireman badge on them at graduation, so Trevor wants me to bring up Knox for him to hold while I pin him. I think that’s going to be such a special moment. Now, I need to find a really cute firetruck/ fireman outfit for Knox to wear!
Oh, and one more random thing: I helped move my baby sister into her dorm on Friday. That’s just not right. And yes, I bought her pepper spray for her keychain. Because that’s what good sisters do.
by Jessica on August 10, 2011
I’m not talking about one of those crazy TV interventions or anything. I’m referring to the type of intervention where God steps in and takes a situation over. I’ve been really stressing out about going back to school. Let’s face it, being that I already work full-time, have a husband and 18 month-old to think about AND am pregnant again, I’m kind of taking on a lot with going back to school. I’ve worried about the time and financial commitments I/ we will be adding in to our every day lives, and it’s pretty stressful. The debt issue is one that has really been getting to me. Here we are, paying off our debts and I’m talking about having to use student loans to accrue MORE debt than we’re in right now- it will cost me $35,000 to complete this program, and that’s pretty darn expensive.
I heard about two scholarship opportunities, one is through my church for seminary students, and the other is through another church, which I heard about through my Sunday school teacher. I applied for both and hoped for the best. In the midst of all of my worrying about money, I got a call on Monday morning from the head decision-maker for the second scholarship. He asked me to send over my account statement from seminary. He told me they generally just send a check straight to the school on my behalf, and that my odds were looking pretty good. To say I was excited was an understatement!
I need to learn that if I am truly doing what God wants me to do, that he is going to make provisions to help me accomplish those things. This isn’t just about me, and it’s becoming more obvious. Every time I try to chicken out or doubt that this is what I should do, I feel like He tells me again and again “Do it. I’ll help you.” And he does. I’m sure he’s going to keep on helping me, despite my personal issues or worries. I’m not going to argue with God! I’m excited to start school in just TWO weeks, even though I do believe these classes are going to be really hard. The syllabus for my Bible class… 16 pages long. Oh my. The good news is, I’m pretty sure I’ll know a whole lot about Acts through Revelation by December, if you guys have any questions!
——–
P.S. A couple at our church lost their baby last night- she was seven months pregnant. I am devastated for them and can only imagine how they must be hurting right now. I remember being hospitalized with Knox at seven months, praying so hard that he would not be born so early and fearing the worst if he was. To know that this poor woman had her worst fears realized breaks my heart. This was their first baby, a little boy. Any prayers you could send their way would be much appreciated!
