by Jessica on November 11, 2009
Let’s face it: I am good at panicking. Too good, in fact. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. I was feeling so good after my great doctor’s appointment this week, seriously great. Last night, I decided I hadn’t drank enough water yesterday and went to take a sip. I promptly choked and started sputtering and hacking like crazy. It took a good five minutes for me to stop and my stomach started to really hurt. Trevor assured me that if coughing/ choking were all it took to mess something up, people would be going into labor all over the place. This is a true statement, I know.
Then, Knox wasn’t moving, so I pressed on my stomach to make him move. Nothing. So I pressed harder. Then I started to think I had crushed him. This has been my number one worry in this pregnancy. For whatever reason, I cannot stop poking and pressing my stomach! Then, whenever I do it, I freak out that I’ve maimed him. Dr. M told me that pushing on my stomach would not do anything to him and only to get worried if I fell on it. So… why do I freak out anyway? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DO! I seriously need to go back on Zoloft- which Dr. M told me is the one medicine they consider safe in pregnancy for anxiety and that I can go on it if I want to.
BUT I don’t want to because then I would worry that the Zoloft was hurting him. So, I worry so much I need medication, but if I take the medication to stop the worrying, I will worry about that. Catch-22 to the utmost, isn’t it? I think I need to commit myself.
by Jessica on November 9, 2009
This stress is really starting to wear me down. I am constantly terrified that something is going to happen to this baby. These awful contractions will not go away, and they are WORSE when I am at home and over the weekend. During the days in the work week, I get maybe two or three all day until I get home, and they’ll start coming five or six an hour. Same thing on the weekend. Add to that stress, now I am getting cramping in my lower abdomen which moves around to my back. Sounds like preterm labor symptoms to me, at least that what’s every single book I own says. I mention this to the doctors and they act like it’s not a big deal. I have yet another call into them today. I know they hate me over there because I have called so many times over the past few weeks. I just feel like nothing gets accomplished. I get passed around from doctor to doctor and they all tell me nothing is wrong. This does not FEEL normal at all.
I just don’t know what happened. Everything was going so well and this pregnancy had been so smooth until I got sick and everything just went down hill. I don’t see how Knox can possibly be okay in there. He is constantly squeezed by contractions and doped up with medicine that I hate to take and makes me feel like I am having a freaking heart attack. If it makes me feel that way, surely it’s not good for him. I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do and how to feel better. I cry at the drop of a hat and feel like a terrible mother that is causing harm to her baby already. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him, and I am just so scared that something will go wrong.
Maybe this all irrational, but I am so scared and tired of all of this stress. I am so ready for February so I wouldn’t have to worry about preterm labor anymore. On top of all of this, my brother has the freaking swine flu. He got the shot and then got sick. I have not been around him since this happened, but my mom decided she needed to take a 22-year old to the doctor (think he could have gone by himself!) and has exposed herself to it. I work with my mom, so that’s not good. I can’t be around her for a couple days to be safe. It’s always great to be quarantined from your mother when you’re having an emotional breakdown. Can I just go back to bed today?
