Three

Dear Knox,

Today you are three years-old. Even though you don’t understand what that means right now, you will one day. What it means to me is that exactly three years ago at 7:08 a.m. I laid eyes on you for the very first time. And I was a goner… just like that. I was hopelessly in love.

I cried my eyes out when I first saw you because I had prayed for you, worried about you and just wanted you so badly. Then, you were here! Hand-picked for me by God, to be my first son. Oh, how I have loved you! Each and every day of your three years, I have prayed for you, thought about you endlessly and, yes, still worried about you. You’ll come to learn that your Mommy worries very well! You have grown so much from that spikey-haired baby we met in the delivery room, cried over in the NICU and brought joyfully home ten days later.

You have taught me so much over the past three years as your mother. First, you taught me how to be a mother- how to love someone fully and without conditions. You’ve taught me what true happiness and joy feel like. You’ve taught me patience as you’ve disobeyed me (deliberately, a lot of the time!). You’ve taught me how to pray fervently as I’ve worried and wondered over your development. You’ve taught me how to weep the most painful tears as I heard hard things about you. You’ve taught me to appreciate the most simple of things, like how neat it is to watch bubbles float into the air or how fun it is to run until you’re too tired to run any more. Most importantly, you’ve taught me hope and faith. Without you, I wouldn’t know what it was like to truly believe that things can and will be okay. I wouldn’t know what it was like to love someone far more than myself. I wouldn’t know what it was like to love someone through and through.

One of your favorite books is “I love you through and through.” As I have read that book to you, likely hundreds of times, the words hold deeper meaning for me than they do for you. Some of them are “I love you through and through… I love you running and walking… Silent and talking… I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow, too.” I love your sweet, clumsy running, often doing laps around our first floor just because it feels good for you. I love your walk, though sometimes you walk clumsily to nowhere in particular. I love your “Knoxisms,” those jumbled up words that don’t mean anything to anyone but you. And I love each and every “real” word that comes out of your sweet mouth. Especially those that you’ve learned recently “I eee you” (that’s “I love you”). And I know that you do love me. Almost as much as I love you- because there is no way that anyone could love harder than I love you, Knox. I will be your biggest fan every day of your life.

Some of this may sound sad, but it’s really not. You’ve taught me that even though things are hard sometimes, the good always outweighs the bad. Your gleeful smile can pull me out of any bad mood or upsetting day. Your sweet hugs and bountiful kisses are so, so precious to me. You are the most amazing little boy that has ever been made, and I love you every second of every day. These past three years with you have been the very best years of my life. You have changed me, you have made me better and you are more loved than you will ever know.

I love you through and through. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, too.

Happy birthday, baby boy.

Love, Mommy

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