I’m so overwhelmed. If any of you have gone through hard things with your kids, you know it goes in cycles. One day, you’ll be totally optimistic about their prognosis thinking that all is well with the world, and the next… what world? Everything is crumbling around you.
I’m in the crumbling phase right now.
Knox is doing well in so many areas, but the ones where he’s struggling are about to kill me. I am so worried about him, I almost can’t take it. He occupies my every waking thought, and it is exhausting. His talking and eye contact have been wretched this week unless he’s engaged in physical play (tickling, wrestling, chasing), and he’s been ignoring me like it’s his job. Nothing I say can draw him out of his haze. That’s what it feels like to me- this hazy fog that clouds my child’s vision and sucks him in. No matter how hard I call or how fervently I jump around to get his attention, he just can’t see or hear me.
I hate this. It’s not fair, and I am so angry today. I’m mad, and I question why God gave us this path to walk. I know God can take my anger and frustration, and that’s good, because He’s been getting a lot of it lately. I feel so inadequate. How am I supposed to help him with these issues? I am possibly the least patient person on the planet, and I feel like the absolute worst person for this job. Yes, I have enough sense to seek help for Knox and to get him the professional care that he needs, but what about the other 23 hours a day? Those hours where I know he needs constant attention and intervention, and I’m coming up lacking?? I’m just not cut out for this. I know that Knox was given to us exactly as he is for a reason. And we adore him, of course we do, that’s not the issue. I am just so worried that I’m not doing right by him and I”m not giving him enough. I’m questioning whether he needs to be in full-time preschool so he has more interaction, whether he needs more therapy, whether he needs something I don’t even know about yet.
For these reasons, I am looking forward to our evaluation on Tuesday, because I will finally get some answers to my questions! They’ll be able to look at my precious boy and see him for who he is and for what he can be and finally be able to let us in on what’s going on in his head. Because it’s about time that we know that! On the other hand, I am TERRIFIED of this evaluation. Ignorance can be bliss for certain, but in this case, ignorance is also dangerous. Because if we don’t know, we can’t help him, and this is a hugely important time in his development. I know that is why all of these feelings are surfacing again- just in anticipation of this evaluation next Tuesday. I feel like everything’s been leading up to this, and it’s so very scary. I just want to give him what he needs, and I hope that I am capable of giving it.
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