I’m so overwhelmed. If any of you have gone through hard things with your kids, you know it goes in cycles. One day, you’ll be totally optimistic about their prognosis thinking that all is well with the world, and the next… what world? Everything is crumbling around you.
I’m in the crumbling phase right now.
Knox is doing well in so many areas, but the ones where he’s struggling are about to kill me. I am so worried about him, I almost can’t take it. He occupies my every waking thought, and it is exhausting. His talking and eye contact have been wretched this week unless he’s engaged in physical play (tickling, wrestling, chasing), and he’s been ignoring me like it’s his job. Nothing I say can draw him out of his haze. That’s what it feels like to me- this hazy fog that clouds my child’s vision and sucks him in. No matter how hard I call or how fervently I jump around to get his attention, he just can’t see or hear me.
I hate this. It’s not fair, and I am so angry today. I’m mad, and I question why God gave us this path to walk. I know God can take my anger and frustration, and that’s good, because He’s been getting a lot of it lately. I feel so inadequate. How am I supposed to help him with these issues? I am possibly the least patient person on the planet, and I feel like the absolute worst person for this job. Yes, I have enough sense to seek help for Knox and to get him the professional care that he needs, but what about the other 23 hours a day? Those hours where I know he needs constant attention and intervention, and I’m coming up lacking?? I’m just not cut out for this. I know that Knox was given to us exactly as he is for a reason. And we adore him, of course we do, that’s not the issue. I am just so worried that I’m not doing right by him and I”m not giving him enough. I’m questioning whether he needs to be in full-time preschool so he has more interaction, whether he needs more therapy, whether he needs something I don’t even know about yet.
For these reasons, I am looking forward to our evaluation on Tuesday, because I will finally get some answers to my questions! They’ll be able to look at my precious boy and see him for who he is and for what he can be and finally be able to let us in on what’s going on in his head. Because it’s about time that we know that! On the other hand, I am TERRIFIED of this evaluation. Ignorance can be bliss for certain, but in this case, ignorance is also dangerous. Because if we don’t know, we can’t help him, and this is a hugely important time in his development. I know that is why all of these feelings are surfacing again- just in anticipation of this evaluation next Tuesday. I feel like everything’s been leading up to this, and it’s so very scary. I just want to give him what he needs, and I hope that I am capable of giving it.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Praying for you and your sweet boy. My daughter was born with a skin disorder so I know all to well the feelings your dealing with right now. You are exactly what he needs, the lord gave you him for a purpose!
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Praying you find the patience and that you also find peace with all of the answers you get soon!
I’m so sorry Jessica! I’m sure you know, it is a VERY good sign that he can play, interact, talk, count, recognize the letters in his name, etc. Some kids will grow out of the no-eye-contact/ignoring phase. {I am not down-playing this to “just a phase” by any means}. I think you are doing the right thing getting therapy and an evaluation. He just may need more one-on-one support at this age, which will help him be able to do things more independently later on. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but, like you said, he was given to YOU and Trevor specifically and God has a plan in this. God designed Knox and is totally in control of everything. Let Him handle it, as hard as it is to do that. I know it is easy for me to say. I’m praying for you. God will give you all the strength you need. His grace is sufficient for this time in your life. Take it one day at a time and He will be with you every step of the way.
Thank you so much. I am very grateful for his strengths, and I’m just hoping it’s an option for him to “catch up!”
Praying for you. For peace, for answers, for patience, and for strength.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I honestly can’t remember if I have commented before or not. Regardless, I’m writing now because I’m the Administrator of a pre-school that specializes in children with Autism, and several sensory disorders. I’m also a mom to a special boy that seems similar to your sweet Knox. If you’d like to “talk” or if you have any specific questions, I might be able to answer them. Let me know, and I’d be glad to contact you via your posted email address from my private email.
Best wishes and remember that it is OK to walk away when you feel your patience is fading.
Big hugs to you and your sweet boy. I have been thinking about you guys so much leading up to the appointment. You are doing everything you can right now and you’ll be given even more information, tools, and resources soon. Hang in there, mama.
You’ll be in my thoughts. I sincerely hope you get some Anderson on Tuesday… And that Knox gets the best possible results!!
God only gives us what he knows we can handle. We may think that we cannot do it… but we have to trust in God that he knows best. It took me a long time to accept certain let’s say family issues… and I asked God why me… for a long time. Then, one day I just knew why. Now, I get it completely but I had to wait to see his plan and learn a few lessons along the way.
I can tell by your posts and your pins that are a dedicated mother. Knox couldn’t have a better person to take care of him and to make sure he gets what he needs. You need to believe in yourself that you can do it. God knows that you can. You may not see or understand his plan now, but there is one.
I’ve worked with a lot of children and I can see how much Knox can do. So focus on all the things that he can do and lean on the professionals to help you work with his weaknesses. Go to the evaluation without fear, they are only trying to help you, and then face the results head on. You can do this.
BTW, did anything change over the past week that caused more of a fog? Any diet changes? Sometimes certain foods can trigger a stronger haze… Certain dyes set off my best friend’s son. Just a thought.
Even though you don’t know me, I know you can do this! I believe in you!
You may not feel prepared for this, but you are. You are. You can do all things through Him who strengthens you. You can do this.
Soak in all the resources you can. Talk to other parents who are also working through how to best help their children. Try stuff out. Ask questions of his therapists- practical and easy ways to work with Knox at home. I’m sure that you are doing a lot better by him than you think you are. You’re already lots of steps ahead of some other parents, who didn’t get professional help for their children early on. You’re doing the right thing, here.
If there’s anything that I’ve learned from working with special kids, it’s that tomorrow’s another day. Today may have been terrible. Yesterday may have totally stunk. But tomorrow’s another day.
You can do this. You’re in my prayers.
When will he be three? In SC, he can be evaluated for the Preschool special needs class. Don’t be scared about the title of the class, it’s a great program! Or in my district it is. Or if you choose not to go that route, he can attend speech at the elementary school, if he qualifies, which it sounds like he will. Are you also using BabyNet. I know this can be so frustrating but just love him! And he’s not ignoring you, he’s just wrapped up in his own little world.
Jen, his birthday is in January. All of this is just so hard!! Yes, we use BabyNet now for intervention, speech and OT. They’ll start talking with the school district around October.
prayers and love. this too shall pass, and another week will look different.
Hugs! You are exactly what Knox needs…. he is so, so lucky to have you and Trevor. So many people are praying for sweet Knox. And please know that I am always here if you ever need to talk or just need someone to listen. I hope that next weeks appointment will finally give you some answers that you have been waiting so long for. Love you!
Jessica,
I’m so sorry– I’m not going to sit here and act like I know what you are going through because I don’t. However, the advice I can offer you (and often remind myself– due to other situations) God is always in control and doesn’t make mistakes. Knox is special and He knows his path!
You are doing so much for him by simply acknowledging the issue– THAT’S HUGE! There are parents out there that simple ignore it and think that is “dealing” with it. Bravo to you for seeking help!
Jessica,
I have a friend from high school who has a blind daughter who is now 4 years old. Her blog is amazing and incredibly inspiring (she is also an amazing writer). You may be able to identify with many of the things she has gone through and felt. One thing she said on her blog that you may be able to relate to is “Nothing about learning to see is fast. There is no such thing as instant gratification. You teach every single concept, every single day, and three or four or five years later you get to see what sticks.” Her website is http://www.kateelezabethconner.com. Also know that I am praying for you, Trevor, and Knox and will especially be lifting you up in prayer on Tuesday. Let me know if I can do anything for you. Love you!
Jan
Oops I spelled the website wrong. Its http://www.kateelizabethconner.com.
I wish I had the right words…just want you to know I’m sending love, hugs and so many prayers. Can’t get you and Knox off my mind. xoxo
A friend recommend I start reading your blog. My son had his first evaluation today for Autism. We were told that its too soon to tell if he has PDD or whatever else. I can relate 100% to everything you’ve written here. Its so nice to know that someone else out there understand whats Im going through. Thank you for sharing your story!
Caitlin, I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this, too. I sincerely hope you have better results than we did! Whatever happens, though, we’ll advocate for our kids, and they’ll be okay!