Monthly Archives: March 2012

With thanks.

I cannot begin to say how thankful I am for all of you. Yesterday was a rough day, and I was so hesitant to even post about the way I’ve been feeling. You made me feel so supported and loved, it was unbelievable in the best kind of way. I read every one of your kind and sincere comments, and if you emailed me, I promise that a response is coming soon- I just don’t have much time to myself at the moment! You guys helped me see that my feelings are valid and that this thing doesn’t have to define me- and it won’t!

I talked to my doctor’s office today, and I have started taking a low dose of Zoloft. I took it before trying to get pregnant for anxiety, so I know that it works well for me. The best part is that it is safe for breast feeding, so I don’t have to give that up. My OB and Brody’s pediatrician okayed it, and I’ve done research on my own, as well, and am comfortable taking it while nursing. As challenging as Brody’s eating issues have been, breast feeding is of the utmost importance to me. I know that if I quit, once I feel like myself again that would be a decision I would strongly regret. It was one of my happiest memories from Knox’s babyhood, and after 13 months of nursing with him, I definitely want Brody to have the same experience, if not for even longer.

Every child is definitely different, and bless his heart, Brody does not mean to be difficult! The poor guy has a stomachache the majority of the time, and I really feel like if we can figure out why he’s so uncomfortable all the time, he will be so much easier to deal with. I think his reflux is much better, but he is still so incredibly gassy. I am determined to get him happy, I just need to make sure I don’t lose my mind during the wait! I feel very relieved to have started on a course of action to get myself back to normal.

Thank you again, so much, for all of your support and prayers. It means the world to me, and I feel so fortunate to have such an amazing community of women to share my feelings with. Sometimes blogging is about venting, but I swear, it’s really nice to be able to vent AND get a ton of advice on top of that emotional release. It’s truly an amazing thing, and I appreciate each and every one of you! Thanks for being there.

Not me.

I’m struggling right now. Things are definitely not all sunshine and roses in my head at the moment. When I went to the OB the other day, I really was feeling better, mentally. I think that’s because we had a few really good days and things seemed to be improving. While I think that things are getting better, albeit slowly, we still have some rough moments. This is normal with a newborn- they’re not going to be happy every second of the day! What’s not normal is how I feel when we’re having a bad day.

Yesterday entailed a lot of screaming- I tried going back to nursing on-demand, but apparently Brody didn’t get the memo that you can’t overfeed a breastfed baby… because that kid overeats like nothing I’ve ever seen! He makes himself absolutely miserable, so I’ve realized that nursing on-demand is NOT going to happen right now, hopefully when he’s older, but not for now. While he is screaming, it’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming, too. I seriously feel bi-polar. When he’s happy, I’m fine, but when he’s having a bad day, I feel myself crumbling from the inside out. It’s like I don’t know how to cope with any kind of stress at all, anymore. Last night, I started to itch so bad, it felt like I was breaking out in hives while he was crying.

I haven’t gone into detail here about the things I’ve felt or thought because, honestly, I’m pretty horrified and embarrassed at the way my mind is working right now. It’s not me. This is why I’ve put a call in to my doctor to talk about getting on some medicine to help. I don’t know if it’s postpartum anxiety, or what my actual “diagnosis” is, but I do know that it has to stop. When he is screaming, I can’t think straight. My first thought is that I’ve made a horrible mistake. Then, that I’ve ruined Knox’s life. That things will never be back to “normal” again. That I don’t want to deal with this.  That I want to give him to someone else to hold and deal with. That I wish he’d just shut up, already. That I don’t even want to breast feed anymore. That I’d rather switch to formula so he isn’t rooting all over me all the time. That I want to be alone. That I want to run away to somewhere quiet. That I’d really love a couple glasses of wine. That I want my old life back. That I’m a horrible mother. That I’m a horrible person. That there is something very, very wrong with me. That this baby doesn’t deserve a psycho for a mother. That I want myself back.

That I am done feeling this way.

I seriously feel like I am a different person, someone that I do not know or care to know. This is so different from my last newborn experience. I was so happy then- I enjoyed everything, of course I got stressed sometimes, but it didn’t break me. I didn’t feel like I was drowning in mothering- I loved being Knox’s mom. I wanted to do everything perfect and right. This time, I just want to survive this. I know that if I can get back to being myself again, I’ll feel the same way about mothering Brody, too. He deserves to have the same mom that Knox had- it’s so unfair to him, and the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I feel like he has really been cheated out of having a good mom. Trevor swears that I am doing everything the same for him, but I don’t feel the same. Where am I right now? I have got to find myself again so that he can have me back. So that my family can have me back. So that I can have me back. Thank goodness I do have good days amidst these horrible ones, so I  know that “I” am still in there somewhere.

I’m waffling on even publishing this post because I am so appalled at the way I feel about myself right now. I keep saving the draft and “x”ing out of this screen. I wish that so many people I know “in real life” didn’t read this blog. I am afraid of being judged and seen differently because I know that this IS NOT ME! I feel weak and like a total failure as a mother and as a person. I hate it. I know this is all hormonal, that I haven’t transformed into some monstrous person, but it’s hard not to feel that way in the moment.  I pray that this feeling goes away soon because I need to feel normal again. I would really appreciate any prayers you could send our way!

Gee… thanks, baby.

Brody turned six weeks old yesterday, so we’re actually able to leave the house and go into public places again. Yay! I took a trip to Target with him to celebrate. He was so good and slept most of the time. I desperately need some pants that actually fit, considering I can’t even fit my right leg into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans, yet, and I am sick to death of maternity clothes! Of course, after trying on one pair of pants in the dressing room, I decided that I was not in the mood to feel fat and lumpy and moved on to trying on shirts, instead! They had these shirts on sale for only $7, and after trying one on, I bought it in every color they had in my size.

They’re $10 online now, but I’m considering buying about three more of them at that price. It is super flattering- had a little bit of rouching on the side to hide the bit of belly that I still have, AND it is perfect for nursing because you can pull down just one side at a time. I hate having to lift my entire shirt up to nurse, especially in public because then people can see my half-naked sides/back if they walk behind me, even if I use a cover, so I love shirts that I can keep ON all the way. Anyway, I ended up with four new shirts for under $30, which was nice.

Then, yesterday, I had my six-week postpartum visit. Those are always fun with a newborn in tow. Brody slept sweetly until I got inside the waiting room, then he let me know very loudly that I needed to hold him immediately. So, I complied, and he was a happy baby. At least until I had to get up on the table half-naked. What is it about me having my pants off that makes him scream? Showers, bathroom visits, gynecologist visits- all seem to make him aware of the fact that he needs attention from Mom ASAP. So, I had to maneuver off of the table while holding my sheet around my waist and pick him up. I managed to get that accomplished and sat back down when BLECH. He puked all down my back. It literally rolled off my shoulder, all the way down my back, slid under my sheet and pooled in my butt crack. Great. Let me just tell you, trying to hold on to a baby, keep covered up and clean vomit is kind of an interesting process. I just knew the doctor was going to walk in right as I was wiping puke off my butt. Luckily- she did not! I did tell her what happened, and that  I really couldn’t promise her what she’d find down there. She laughed at me, and luckily, I did manage to remove all of the vomit!

I proceeded to hold Brody while she checked things out, and I’ve now got the “all-clear” to exercise these last few pounds off (plus about ten more, hopefully). Mentally, I am feeling a lot better, which is a big relief. I am still more easily stressed out than normal, but hopefully that will pass soon, now that I’m starting to get better rest. I am still bleeding a little bit, so I am really looking forward to having that go away totally.

Speaking of the husband, Trevor and I have plans to go out on a real, grown-up date next week! I am super excited about this. Next Friday night, we will be having dinner and seeing a movie (hopefully “The Hunger Games” if Trevor finishes reading it by then!) sans children. I am really looking forward to reconnecting and relaxing with him because our love life has taken a backseat to babies these past few months. We have decided to make date night a regular occurrence so that we can purpose to keep our marriage and our relationship a priority, which is so important to do.

Now, for good measure, here’s my cute Brody before he threw up all over me at the OB/gyn’s office:

Man. I could just eat his face, he is so cute (if I do say so, myself)!!

Six weeks later

Oh, wait, you mean there’s another way to be besides sleep-deprived?? I almost forgot! Let me just say, that an full eight hours of sleep is potentially the most glorious thing that has ever happened to me… at least in the last few weeks. My mom spent the night on Friday to help me try out our new plan of action for Brody. I did one last pumping session and hit the sheets at 11:00. Seriously, I woke up the next morning at 7:30 in the exact position I lay down in, and the sheets were untouched- I didn’t move at all, I was so tired!

Since we’ve started Brody on a strict feeding schedule, he has been SO much better! Of course, he still thinks he needs to eat if I’m holding him, so he’s a good bit fussier for me than other people because of that. For the first 24 hours, we used only bottles of breast milk, I didn’t nurse him at all. Then, I nursed once the next day, twice the next, etc. Saturday night was the first good night of sleep I’ve had where I’ve done all his feedings. I nursed him for each feeding, but cut it short when he was done eating so there was no comfort nursing. He actually slept and allowed three hours between feedings, which was great. Granted, he slept on my chest, but hey, we’ll get him sleeping first, then I’ll work on where he sleeps!!

I’m actually able to lay him down during the day, now, and he’s content. It’s so nice! I feel like we’re turning a corner. No, things aren’t perfect, but they are worlds better!

The one down-side to this course of action is that Brody now has some major nipple confusion going on! It’s horrible!! Basically, we he latches on to nurse, he treats my nipple like a bottle nipple… let’s just say they don’t exactly operate the same way, so it’s pretty darn unpleasant! I keep un-latching him and trying to get him on there right, but it’s not entirely successful, so I do a lot of gritting my teeth and grimacing! Now that he’s on a more normal schedule, we’re done with bottles (unless we have to leave him with a sitter in the future), so hopefully he will re-learn how to correctly nurse. If its not better in a couple of days, I’ll make another trip to the lactation consultant at the hospital for some advice.

I just realized that I didn’t share this picture from St. Patty’s Day with you guys here, but I did tweet/Facebook it. It’s probably one of the best pictures ever, in my opinion- just look… it speaks for itself!!

P.S. The winner of the Fifi’s Closet giveaway is now up on the giveaway blog HERE.

New Plan

Okay, so long story short, Brody is refluxing like crazy, I’m tired, he’s tired, we’re all pretty daggum tired over here. So. I’ve had enough. Friday we started him on Prevacid- he was taking half a solutab and we used Mylicon drops as needed for his horrible gas. I also started on the dairy-free diet Friday, though I had already cut dairy WAY down (like a slice of cheese a day) before that. This weekend has been wretched, no improvement at all. I talked to the doctor yesterday, and he said we could up the Prevacid and do Mylanta or Maalox twice a day, if needed.

Well. Last night, he wanted to nurse ALL night. By all night, I mean literally, he was laying next to me, latched on, all night. You can imagine the quality of sleep that we both got. Basically, we cat napped for short increments. Trevor got up at 4:30 after a yelp from Brody woke him up. He came back up to our room an hour later and took Brody from me and walked him around while I cried out of sheer exhaustion. He fell asleep on Trevor, and after jiggling him for a while, I got him to fall back asleep on my chest. That was at 6:00. We slept for less than two hours before I had to get Knox ready for school. Needless to say, I’d had enough by that point and put in a call to the doctor.

Dr. T called me back and after we talked some more about what was going on, he asked if I was opposed to giving Brody a bottle. I said I was totally fine giving him a bottle of breastmilk, but didn’t want to use formula- I will alter my diet in whatever way, if something I’m eating is bothering him. He doesn’t think that dairy is an issue considering we’ve had no change whatsoever in Brody’s behavior, so he was fine with that plan. He wanted me to enlist the help of someone to stay up with Brody and give him bottles every three hours. He thinks that Brody has gotten into the habit of over-eating and that it may be what’s aggravating his reflux, considering he is eating way too much in comparison with what he needs. He’s basically gaining weight at 2x the rate he should be. In addition to being bad for his belly, it’s also bad for me considering I never get to sleep! Since Brody associates me with food, he wanted someone else to take over the feedings. My MIL spent the afternoon doing his feedings, and my mom is spending the night tonight.

So far, he is doing okay with it. Obviously, he’s pretty ticked off that he can’t keep up his schedule of eating every hour, but he sucks down the 3 ounces we’re giving him and hasn’t seemed to be as fidgety or in as much pain. Hopefully the Prevacid will have a chance to work with him eating a more normal amount. The doctor is supposed to call in the morning to see how things are going. If this doesn’t help, we’ll have to move forward with some tests to see exactly what’s going on, so hopefully, it will so Brody doesn’t have to go through anything unnecessary. I am very much looking forward to him getting some relief!

Brody this morning after our rough evening… apparently he was tired. Shocking, right? But my gosh, look how cute he is…!

Weapons in the reflux arsenal…

Thank goodness, he has taken the pacifier SO much today! Glad he’s being soothed at least a little bit.

And where’s Knox during all this screeching? Happily watching VeggieTales. He is such a sweetheart! Brody’s cries don’t phase him in the least, he just keeps on playing and smiling.

Now my friends, I am going to have a full night of sleep… and it’s gonna be good!! (Thanks, Mom!)

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