I don’t normally talk about family stuff on here, but this situation has really been bothering me, so I decided to share. My dad is an alcoholic. He always has been. Growing up around him was not overly pleasant- he had a really bad temper and just couldn’t handle the day-to-day fatherly duties. He usually worked out of town, so he was only really home on the weekends. My brother and I were always asking my mom to divorce him (we were probably around 6 and 7 at the time… that’s pretty bad!) because it was stressful being around their constant fighting. They divorced when I was 12, and it was a welcome change. My mom has always been a single parent in my eyes because of how he was.
I don’t feel slighted for not having a dad that was involved in my life because my mom was SO involved in our lives, and did a great job raising three kids on her own. He didn’t pay child support for YEARS and owes my mom thousands and thousands of dollars. All that being said, I still love my dad and tried to continue a relationship with him. However, we’d make plans with him and he’d blow us off and cancel them because he was “sick” all the time. Recently, over the past few years, he has started to forget entire conversations with us kids. He’d call us, we’d talk, then he’d call back the next day and repeat everything he already said because he didn’t remember even talking to us. I am assuming this is because he was either drunk or the drinking has affected his memory.
I emailed my aunt, his sister, before Knox was born to tell her I was concerned about his memory issues. She was very relieved I had mentioned it to her because they (his family) had been worried about him for a long time, but he won’t listen to anyone, of course. He also thought we didn’t know… yeah right, it’s kind of obvious. I planned on having a discussion with him about it. But, after pregnancy issues, time went on without that talk occurring. Then, Knox was born. And my dad showed up drunk to the hospital to see him for the first time. That was really the last straw for me. It completely disgusted me. He put on a show in the waiting room, crying and acting all emotional about his new grandson. Really, he just wanted attention. He loves to talk about how much he loves us and how great we are when it’s convenient for him to look like a good father. He had nothing to do with how any of us turned out, as far as I’m concerned. My mom talked to him at that point, he said he’d been talking to an addiction specialist and had been getting a shot once a week to help him quit (the shot makes him sick if he drinks). We were happy to hear this, hoping things would turn around.
A few days later, he called me and wanted to come see Knox. I said okay, he just had to drop my grandmother off at the beauty salon for a perm, first. He called back thirty minutes later saying she’d finished early and would come back another day. Shady. Turns out, he was lying. My grandmother called me later that night, wondering if I’d seen him because he never picked her up that day. I hadn’t. He was in jail. He got arrested for DUI. Honestly, I thought it served him right, it’s so dangerous to drive drunk, he was putting his own life and everyone else’s at risk. After getting out, his license was temporarily suspended. He has been staying with my grandmother here in town (he lives out of town) since he can’t leave on his own.
Several days passed when I got an email from my aunt. Basically, my dad had been violently ill (I’m guessing withdrawal?) for days and my grandmother can’t handle taking care of him anymore because she’s older. My aunt told me “you kids need to take responsibility for your dad.” Uhm…. No? How exactly is it my job as the child to take care of the parent? And one that never took care of me to begin with? If this was my mom, sure, no questions asked. But that’s not the case. He needs to put himself in rehab if he can’t get sober on his own. I have no patience for his constant sob stories and need for sympathy. He drank. He drove. He deserved to get arrested! I don’t feel sorry for him!
I emailed her back and pretty much told her that aside from giving him a ride to rehab, I am not going to have anything further to do with this. What a shock, I didn’t hear back from her. He did a great job playing the role of awesome dad to his family, so they don’t realize what a horrible father he was to us growing up. I told her a little bit, but I don’t think she gets it.
Now, my grandmother calls me yesterday to give him a ride to his attorney’s office. Am I absolutely horrible for saying no? I don’t see how it’s my job to clean up his mess. I have honestly tried to give him my forgiveness, but he has abused it over and over again. I am so frustrated with this, and I don’t see how he can act like he’s this great father and that I should be oh-so-willing to help him with whatever he needs. I think it’s ridiculous.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I do not know anything about not having a father figure in my life, but I can say I am so sorry for everything that you're going through, espcially with all your new hormones flying wild all over. You are a strong woman, and I do not think you are wrong for what you did. He made a fool out of himself, and HE needs to find a way out. I'm sorry if this was out of the blue, because I'm new to your blog, but I felt like I could give my twosense. Thanks!
Do NOT feel bad about saying no, and not helping him out. He needs to get help on HIS OWN and sober up. I grew up with a dad that was addicted to prescription pain pills and like your dad, he did a great job portraying himself to other people. But as a parent, he wasn't always that great. I went through rehab with him once, only for him to fall off the bandwagon even worse, turning to worse things. I'm sad to say my dad died 2 1/2 years ago from the abuse he put his body through.
I am telling you all of this because I have been there. I felt guilty for so long about not helping my dad, but it wasn't MY job to do that. I totally understand how you feel. I know that we don't know each other, but if you ever need to talk, I am always available. It is hard for people to understand sometimes when they haven't been through the situation themselves. Stay strong & good luck to you!
First time commentor (your baby is adorable!). I just had to say:
GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself! It sounds like your father is an expert at manipulating others and that his family enables his bad behavior and doesn't hold him accountable for his decisions. HE IS A GROWN MAN…he needs to help himself at this point…it is the least he can do after shirking his responsibilities for so long.
I really hope your father gets sober, but until then, you have no obligations towards him. He is very lucky to have a daughter that loves him despite his repeated failings as a father.
I honestly can't begin to tell you how similar your situation is as mine. Almost every thing you said about your childhood, him working out of town, parents divorcing at that age, how he acts to his family… everything, is exactly my situation. Your story brought me to tears from how alike it was.. I feel for you. If you ever want to talk.. I certainly would love to talk to someone that knows exactly what it is like. Here is my email, jodygrundstrom@gmail.com. I have been stuck in this place with my dad for so long, I feel numb. I should hardly call him a dad even… wow I can't believe someone else has to go through what I have. I am so sorry. Because how I feel and what I have had to deal with.. I would never wish on anyone. Stay strong.
I think you absolutely are in the right. You've put yourself out there for him and he did what he chose to do. My mom was an alcoholic for my entire childhood, so I know a little how you feel. Now she's married to one, so maybe that's karma?
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this during what is supposed to be a very happy time for you!
So sorry to hear you're going through this. I've dealt with similar issues, but nothing as extreme. Have you thought about finding an Al Anon (if that's how you spell it??)? Maybe talking to others who get it would help you feel better. It's always tough when those you love put you in these kinds of situations. Good luck.
Hi Jessica. I have been following your blog for a while. I do not think need to feel guilty about not driving your father around. Like you said, this is HIS problem and he needs to fix it. These are the consequences of his actions and you have your own family to be taking care of. Do not let anyone guilt you and stress you out.
If this were me, I think I would tell my father that the only ride I will give him is to rehab and until he successfully completes the program, he does not deserve to be a part of my family's life.
I know he is family and that all of this is easier said than done but you need to take care of yourself and your family. If anything, tell your grandma you will call for a cab.
I know how stressful addiction can be on a family. By making this easy for him (giving rides, etc) is only enabling him and like it was said earlier, he needs to fix him mess and deal with the consequences!
Good luck!
I really dont blame you. You have a family of your own and a son to take care of.
Don't you EVER feel bad for not dropping what your doing or putting your life on hold for someone who never did the same for you. I'm a firm believer in the saying, What goes around comes around. It's true. I seen a lot of my own family in the story you just told. Bieng the oldest, like I am, makes it that much more difficult to say NO when you should. It's hard to sit back and watch the lives of those you love fall apart. Sometimes, the best thing is to do just that.
My parents are also divorced and although my Biological father is not an alcoholic, he wasnt there for my sister and I either. Growing up with those horrible every other weekend daddy visits sucked. His girlfriends were not exactly the most loving and still to this day, the woman he actually married, still treats my sister and I like crap. She still treats up like we are the scum on the bottom of her shoe. Like we are beneth her and her daughter. (she's a step sister, not my dads daughter) Today, everyone on his side of the family gets upset with my sister and I because we've distanced ourselves from them. What they don't understand is, all the heartach her and I went through, is there every day of our entire life. We've grown to not allow it to affect our current lives but it was a very hard battle to over come. We still have trouble dealing with certain situations with them all.
Your job is to be an amazing mommy to Knox and wonderful wife. Which, by reading your blog, I can tell your doing a wonderful job!
Keep doing what your doing and dont allow anyone, not no one, to bring you down!
Your an amazing mommy and wife and thats it! It's the bed he made, now he has to lay in it!
I didn't read all the other comments first so this might be a repeat. First of all, you should not feel bad. I think you can forgive someone and not allow that person to have an active part in your life anymore. There are times when it is too hurtful to the person doing the forgiving to continue a relationship with the person who constantly hurts them.
In this case, you have tried with your dad. He has to change because he wants to, not because everyone is telling him he needs to. I can't imagine the pain he caused you and continues to cause you. You have forgiven him even though it doesn't sound like he has asked that of you. You have done your part. The only thing you can do now is pray that he is able to do his.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now Jessica….especially right after having a baby and having a family of your own to worry about. I don't think you should feel badly AT ALL about saying no to your dad. You're right…HE made this mess, got himself into this situation, and it shouldn't have even happened to begin with. It's definitely not your mess to clean up.
I've had similar issues with my parents growing up, with my mom being the alcoholic, and then a few years after my parents got divorced, my dad did some VERY shiitty/shady things to me and my sister. It's awful to have to feel like the parent in these situations, when it's the other way around. If you do anything, I think you should do what the previous person mentioned….tell your father that the only way he's going to be a part of your and Knox's life, is if he gets sober on his own and stays that way.
I know this is such a sucky situation to be in, and I wish you all the best. Stay strong and make sure you do what's best for YOU.
oh my. what you wrote is almost identical to my life. my dad is an alcoholic. and has been my entire life. when i was in the first grade we started building a log house and it took until i was in the third grade to build it until we were able to live in it. after we moved in he quit his job and relied on my mom to make all the payments. its sad but most of my memories around those years were of us at a bar. who takes a third grader to the bar!?! i forgot to say that when he quit his job he quit working on our house too. we lived in an unfinished house for three years until my mom decided to move out and divorce. i also forgot to mention that he was abusive. not to me, i was his little pumpkin. but thats what really made my mom move out. he was SUPER annoying after we moved out. like harassing my mom, coming to the house we moved into and ringing the doorbell non stop, etc. that was when i was in the 6th grade and now i'm 21 years old. i havent had a decent conversation with him since i was a sophomore in highschool. he lives with my grandma and none of his brothers or sisters go there because he's there. ok. this a long enough comment. my email is ktbenson_9@hotmail.com if you want me to tell more. p.s i saw your blog through someone elses. i'm expecting my first in october!
Sadly this is exactly how I see BIL's life turning out, except that he isn't married to the mother of his child. I'm so sorry that you had to grow up with that and that you are having to deal with all of this now. I don't blame you for saying no, you did the right thing. As hard as it may be you have to do what's right for your family now.
I completely agree with your other commentors that you are doing the right thing by having nothing to do with him. I have a lot (too much) experience with alcoholic parents, both in my family, my husband's and in one of my best friends', and what I've seen is that the more the family tries to help them, the worse it gets. Knowing that they are forgiven and that someone is going to give them rides and bail them out of jail seems to just make them drink even more.
You have your own son now, and although this may sound mean, you don't need any kind of alcoholism around him. I would have been completely THROUGH after the hospital incident, but I don't blame you for trying again when he wanted to visit. He obviously has a major addiction, but the only one who can help him is HIM. Your aunt is completely wrong to tell you it is your responsibility, especially since he was not a good father to begin with.
Sorry I wrote a novel, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to find peace with yourself through this, and not let it stress you out more. You have enough on your plate right now!!
Hi. Before I begin, I want to tell you that I link to your blog from "Hoping for our own Peanut". Anyways, you no longer can worry about just you. You have Knox to worry about. He can't make decisions about situations to be in or what to get involved in at this time of his life- you have to do that for him. Not only were you standing up for yourself, you were standing up for your son. You did absolutely nothing wrong. They did….
he's the parent. you're the child. it's not your responsibility to clean up his mistakes.
no- you're not horrible for not driving him. you've got your own life/family.
let him figure it out just like he left you guys to do so.
hopefully he can get his shit together & be their for his grandson.
also- if you DO choose to drive him around, then you're not a sucker or copping out. he IS your dad and you love him. life is tough sometimes- oy!
<3
I honestly don't understand why your family put this on you at all; you have a new born son at home to take care of; you have a full plate right now & that is very unfair of them to put this on your or your siblings.
They say that an addict has to hit rock bottom before they can rise above their issue & as bad as everything that you posted sounds bad…..it doesn't sound to me like the owrst is over. My friend is a recovering addict & she told me her "rock bottom" story & it was AWFUL!!!
Good luck, I will keep you guys in my thoughts & prayers & trust for gut on the decisions you have made for YOUR family!!
I have been a lurker on your blog for a while, and I had to comment on this post.
You are doing the right thing. My father is also an alcoholic, though recovering. By catering to his excuses and stories, your dad's family is just enabling him to continue his lifestyle as he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. He is an adult, and until he WANTS to get sober and takes the steps to do so (ie. getting to his lawyer on his own, going to rehab and committing to a recovery program) things will not change. You cannot force someone to do something they are not ready to do.
Stay strong and do not fall into his manipulations like his family has! Good Luck!
Jessica, I have been wanting to comment for a while but just have not had the time. I give you a lot of credit and respect for opening up about this on your blog. Life is hard sometimes, and parents do not always make things easily. Thankfully your mom had the brains to get you out of the situation. I came from a pretty messed up family too! Unfortunately nothing changed until I turned 15 and became aware that I could get us out of the situation ourselves. We ended up in Foster Care until we graduated HS. Long story. But anyways….think of how much of stronger person it has made you! I know that because of what happened to me, I want to be the best possible parent I can. I will never put my kids in that sort of situation.
I'm sorry to hear this. Relationships between Dads and Daughters can be so complicated. I won't go into my whole story but basically I grew up in between a nasty divorce and my biological father was not there for me and put me through a lot of emotional and verbal abuse throughout my childhood. Finally when I became an adult I decided to sever the relationship for good and now that I'm a Mom myself I will never even let my son be around someone who was never even a parent to me. I know I made the right decision and I thank God every day that I had a wonderful Mother and Stepfather in my life. I completely understand where you're coming from and please never feel like you have to defend or explain your actions to anyone. You have to worry about yourself, your husband and little Knox now. Good luck with everything!
wow. your childhood sounds exactly the same as mine, except in my case it was my mom. i, too, don't think i missed out. my dad was a better dad than i could have asked for. he made sure we wanted for nothing and was always there for us. it is hard now, though. i don't know what role my mom should have in my children's lives. i still don't trust her, even though she's a lot better than she used to be. she has hurt me a lot, but i still do feel as though she deserves something. you just have to do what is best for your family. you're totally justified in protecting knox. no one can fault you for that. and if they do, you shouldn't listen. you know what is best for knox (and you), not them.
{ 1 trackback }