Let’s face it: I am good at panicking. Too good, in fact. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. I was feeling so good after my great doctor’s appointment this week, seriously great. Last night, I decided I hadn’t drank enough water yesterday and went to take a sip. I promptly choked and started sputtering and hacking like crazy. It took a good five minutes for me to stop and my stomach started to really hurt. Trevor assured me that if coughing/ choking were all it took to mess something up, people would be going into labor all over the place. This is a true statement, I know.
Then, Knox wasn’t moving, so I pressed on my stomach to make him move. Nothing. So I pressed harder. Then I started to think I had crushed him. This has been my number one worry in this pregnancy. For whatever reason, I cannot stop poking and pressing my stomach! Then, whenever I do it, I freak out that I’ve maimed him. Dr. M told me that pushing on my stomach would not do anything to him and only to get worried if I fell on it. So… why do I freak out anyway? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DO! I seriously need to go back on Zoloft- which Dr. M told me is the one medicine they consider safe in pregnancy for anxiety and that I can go on it if I want to.
BUT I don’t want to because then I would worry that the Zoloft was hurting him. So, I worry so much I need medication, but if I take the medication to stop the worrying, I will worry about that. Catch-22 to the utmost, isn’t it? I think I need to commit myself.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I completely understand what you are going through. I was terrified to the point of not functioning while I was pregnant. No amount of trying to relax, etc., will make it better. I was so relieved to have my baby in the world. Words can't express the terror I felt for my entire pregnancy. You have to do what you need to do to get through this. Do you have a doppler? I listened to my baby's heartbeat every day…sometimes multiple times if she wasn't moving. If you don't have one, you might want to invest in one. Don't feel bad for poking and prodding. It WILL NOT hurt the baby. I'm living proof of that! Be honest with your doctor. They scheduled me for an induction at 39 weeks becuase of my anxiety. Ask for more ultrasounds if you need to. We had one the day before my induction and baby was breech!! I ended up with a c-section…which calmed my nerves immensely! Anyway…all of that to say..I totally get what you are going through. Pop on over to my blog and let me know if you need support from someone who's been there done that.
I didn't do this during my pregnancy but I know some people that would put a flashlight up to her belly and that would get the baby moving all around. You could always try that instead of poking and prodding.
I'm sorry – but I absolutely LOVE the fact that you think you poked Knox to death.
I just love you.
And seriously, come see your Noah – he misses his Aunt JMoo!!
Just found your blog and can totally relate to anxiety issues. I too have PCOS and am TTC. If you're interested, my blog is http://www.mysteriousmindy.blogspot.com. Hope that somehow, someway, your fears can be relieved.
I use apple juice (nice and cold) whenever I panic that Lulu isn't moving enough. That and a deep breath!
Come to think of it, M&M's usually get her moving too…