And the proverbial flood gates open. I really thought I was okay ::points down to earlier post:: after my freaking out episode a couple days ago. It was “out of my system,” and I was NOT going to cry again. Uh, yeah right, self. I am a total basket case. I bought six bottles of wine on the way home (not all for today, but I needed to stockpile) and cracked open one while DH and I were discussing dinner plans. One glass is all that it took to turn me into a sobbing, hysterical mess. I couldn’t stop. He kept telling me to cheer up and that it will work soon, but I just don’t know if I believe that.
I am so frustrated with all of this. I hate PCOS; I should be pregnant instead of dealing with regulating my stupid body. There are so many other girls I know both online and IRL that should be pregnant, too. But we’re not. I need some sort of hope to keep me going right now. I have no idea how people can push through and do this for years, and my heart aches for those women and their husbands. This is our last Clomid cycle before an RE referral. While I know that going to an RE would be great because they are so much more specialized, it sucks because our insurance covers NOTHING infertility related. We would be totally out of pocket. Our first big expense is going to be this month’s HSG. It will probably be the end of next week, and I hate to spend so much hard-earned money on something painful and scary. I know it’s the first major step, though, and has to be done. Hopefully it will be worth it and give us some peace of mind. A small part of me wants to wave the white flag and quit, but the majority wants to be a mother more than words can say and will never stop until I am holding a baby in my arms.
I know this post probably seems over-dramatic, but I don’t care because it’s how I feel right now. And it’s my blog so I can say what I want!
I knew she was coming, that skank. At least now I can get drunk without feeling guilty. I will be purchasing an obscene amount of wine on my way home this evening. I’m really glad I had my depressed/ crying fit/ freakout already at 11dpo with my negative test so I don’t have to “go there” today. This whole things sucks, but at least I can look forward to burying my BBT in my nightstand this cycle. I am really excited about only using OPKs and ultrasound this time. I needed a break from my own mind- now I can’t stalk my own chart ALL day long.
You know what’s ironic? I can remember being 13 and thinking I was NEVER going to get my period. I really wanted it (crazy, I know) and all my friends already had it. I remember when I first saw it, I was thrilled! Now, it’s probably the one thing in my life that I hate to see the most. Ah, how times have changed.
My LP was about a day longer than it has been, and it was brought to my attention on BOTB that Clomid is probably to blame for this, as it can lengthen your LP. Why I didn’t think of that until now, I have no idea.
What is this situation? No period, no positive test. Can I get an answer, please?
(Chart link at bottom of blog page)
So, another BFN this morning. Can’t say that I am surprised, but it still sucked. There is something extra craptastic about seeing it in print on a digital test. Gotta love the first thing you read in the morning to be the words “Not Pregnant.” So special. My period is due today, so I am thinking it’s pretty darn accurate, unfortunately. I have decided to stop temping next cycle, too. I have got to have a break. I have been temping everyday for the past seven months, and I can’t stand it anymore. I need a break! Especially around this time of the cycle and O time, I can’t freaking sleep because I am worried about what my temps is going to be, which messes with my temps. Vicious cycle, no?
I am just disappointed, obviously at not being pregnant, but also that I have to be bumped to a higher Clomid dose and do the HSG. I was really hoping for a BFP before all that mess. Oh well, I guess it wasn’t in the cards for me this time.
I cracked and took a test this morning. BFN, of course. Tomorrow is my official FF test day. As you can see from my cracked out chart, my body hates me. My temp went back up this morning to where it has been. Implantation dip? Methinks not. I have cramps like a biotch and I even have that pressure feeling you get when the floodgates are about to open. I wish you just knew instantly if you were pregnant, like during sex some ray of light shines down on you and a voice yells “you’re pregnant! Wahoo!” Wouldn’t that be nice? Instead, we get to wait out a torturous two weeks and try to talk ourselves down from thinking we possibly got knocked up because the disappointment will be much too horrid if we’re not. Being a girl blows.