With Thanksgiving coming up in, oh, 20 minutes or so, I am inspired to wax poetic on the things in my life that I’m thankful for. Here it is, Jessica’s List of Thanks.
I am thankful for:
1. Turkey gravy. The second best gravy, next to pork roast gravy. Yes, it is the item I am most looking forward to consuming tomorrow, as it always is. I heart gravy.
2. My DH, who is my best friend. ::chorus of “aw”s::
3. My job. I may not always enjoy it, but I have one and it pays well.
4. My house. It was so much fun to decorate, and now so much fun to live in. It’s pretty.
5. My cooking abilities. That may sound snobbish, but I LOVE to cook and it makes me happy!
6. My dog. Abby Rae, you are the best, most adorable dog ever. (No, your dog is not cuter or better than Abby. It’s just not possible.)
7. My kittens. I hand-raised and bottle-fed an entire litter of five kittens from four days old, and they all thrived. We kept two and they’re great little kittens, even though they think they’re dogs.
8. My family and friends. Enough said. These people are amazing.
9. My health (despite the current respiratory issues…). There are so many people out there that do not have the luxury of walking around and enjoying life everyday.
10. God. Saving the best for last. He has blessed me in more ways than I can count, and I don’t always give him the credit that He is due.
When I found out that my nurse told my mom that I was TTC! I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life. My mom had been trying to convince me to have that stupid CTA (CT scan with dye) for my breathing troubles, but I cancelled it. I just didn’t want anything funky injected into my body when I am already have to take Provera and Clomid. She goes to the same doctor as I do, and talked to the nurse who proceeded to tell her that I didn’t want the test because I was trying to get pregnant. Hello HIPPA. My name is violation. Seriously, I wanted to cut her. So, after ranting to my fellow nesties, I called and left my complaint with the office manager.
I wanted NO ONE but DH and I to know about TTC. I did not want to have to deal with the constant (unwanted) opinions and questions, when the only opinions that matter in this situation are mine and DH’s. To me, this is a very private thing. I don’t want to have to explain my every bodily problem or medication to someone else. It is my decision to have a baby. Mine. Had I wanted my mother to know details, I would have told her.
What’s worse is that she told my stepdad (who’s also my boss) about it, and he asked me about it this morning. It was very uncomfortable. Then he gave me the “advice” that “babies put a lot of stress on your marriage.” So frustrating. When I confronted my mom, she apologized and said that she didn’t realize it was a big deal, but that she didn’t want my stepdad/boss “blindsided” by it if/when it happens.
The past week has been very rough with having to start another medication and then all of this. It’s hard to remain positive, even this early in the game. I just want to keep it between DH, me and our doctor. That’s it.
Okay, so it’s actually song lyrics, but still. Every single time I hear “It’s a Beautiful Life” by Fisher come on TLC for the “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ commercial, I stop in my tracks. I am drawn to it for some reason. I just downloaded it on iTunes, and it is a beautiful song. It focuses on all of the positive things in life that we tend to overlook, especially when things are not going right. So, I am posting the lyrics here, to remind myself (and whoever else is reading) that it IS a beautiful life.
” Hey child- up & go… /A big world is out there/ Waiting for us to / Live in every day
Outside you will find/ There is love all around you/ Takes you- makes you wanna say
That it’s a beautiful life/ And it’s a beautiful world/ And it’s a beautiful time/ To be here- to be here- to be here
Yeah, the sky’s blue/ – Just us two/ Side by side/ We’ll see the world/ That surrounds us/ Hey- seize the day/ Each road- every mile’s/ A photograph in motion to astound us/ – Carry us away
Into a beautiful life
‘Cause it’s a beautiful world/ And it’s a beautiful time/ To be here- to be here
Leave all your cares behind you/ The sun is rising- turn around/ It’s right in front of you/ And it’s a beautiful life/ – It’s a beautiful life
I am utterly frustrated with my body. On top of this ridiculous breathing problem, which is (get this): STRESS RELATED, my stupid period won’t start. I feel so disappointed in myself, and I know that’s ridiculous, because I can’t help any of this. I called my OB and she started me on Provera yesterday to bring on AF. I am still due to start Clomid whenever AF shows. I just hope that all of this works to help me ovulate. I broke down and cried last night on the way home. I just want things to work like they’re “supposed” to. Why isn’t it easy? I feel like there are so many people that want babies so badly, yet they have such a hard time. At the same time, there are teenagers getting KTFU all over the place that have probably never even heard of ovulation, fertility charting and Clomid. It’s not their fault my body is weird, but it’s still something to think about. I hope it all works out for the best because I want a baby desperately.
And I wish I could breathe right, again. I have to start Yoga and meditative breathing since I can’t go back on Zoloft (ah, my friend…. how I miss you!) for anxiety because of TTC.
You are a dirty whore. Why is it that you only rear your ugly red head when I DO NOT want you around? Then, when I would literally adore for you to come, you don’t. I hate you AF. Don’t you know that I need you to visit me so that I can start taking my Clomid on day three of your terror? Don’t you?! I would very much like to have a baby, but my body is failing me on the ovulation front. So, I have had to seek medical intervention, which you, btw, are interfering with! So, in short, AF, you had better arrive shortly or I will hate you forever (or at least more than I already do).